junk food queen

i am. why does a yoda-esque napoleon dynamite on a morning radio talk show crack me up like no other?

about 5 minutes ago, i wanted to burst about the wonderfulness of meeting new people and the unexpected turn my summer has taken, but i have bonfire hair and an exhausted-from-laughing-and-eating-s'mores face... must. sleep.

my new favorite cookies in the entire world = cranberries + white chocolate chips. to spread this incredible happiness, i'm going to write down the recipie and send it to everyone i love. i hope that everyone i know or used to know or don't really know is thriving. the verb "thrive" seems most appropriate. even though this thought is, well, impossible and dumb because it only occurs when i myself am doing well, i really do wish many cranberry/white chocolate chip-ed cookies for all.

goodnight!

"it's not you, it's me." -said in all seriousness, followed by hysterical laughter

B positive

for some reason, today has been an excellent day. my day, thus far:

1. starting at way-too-late-2-am, i finished the movie magnolia by myself (as my mum was fast asleep 5 minutes into it). fat toads raining down is the most distrubing thing ever, actually nevermind, it's tom cruise with half-pulled back, shoulder-length hair yelling about cunts.

2. woke up 6 hours later, which was actually worth it, simply because i got to drive past BAMBER and see the freakishness that is "the mile run." a mass of elementary school kids running in a circle, what memories.

3. got completely lost downtown, but saved 3 lives and ate 4 cookies.

4. back at home, i sat in the middle of my new and improved bedroom and admired it. i don't know if it's because i'm suddenly excited about my major or watching too much TLC & HGTV on the television, but i had an urge to "decorate", which never happens. i made myself a bookshelf! it's like those people who get urges to clean, yeah. anyways, i am proud.

5. a date with the old bible study groupies + betsy + her 2 adorable kids, which reminds me that i'll be so lucky if i have 1 kid that survives to adulthood. also, chats in cars make me realize that long-distance relationships are... tough.

6. met up with old high school friends at panera. 1/2 were planned, 1/2 were random run-ins. it's funny seeing people that you knew throughout all 4 years of high school but never really got to know, and then finally getting to know them now. i feel like i am people-recycling. even though they're the same people, they feel like new friends.

7. secured an internship for the summer! (5 mins ago on the telly) oh yeah.

and later tonight... my family will force me to watch the american idol finals with them. ah, but the night is young.

mr. brightside- the killers

bananas

good things:
*a plan to someday write a novel
*people who use "novel" as an adjective
*making a delicious sandwich out of great harvest bread while dancing to hollaback girl around the kitchen
*channel 24 (watch it really really late at night with your closest Christian friend and it is a bajillion times funnier than comedy central)
*bonfires and ice cream
*having the house filled with fretting over what shoes to wear tonight because tom or bob is taller or shorter, oohing and ahhing over dresses and hair styles, and all other sorts of random drama

"me, too, secrete the inhuman. at certain moments of lucidity, the mechanical aspect of their gestures, their meaningless pantomime makes silly everything that surrounds them. a man is talking on the telephone behind a glass partition; you cannot hear him, but you see his incomprehensible dumb show: you wonder why he is alive. this discomfort in the face of man's own inhumanity, this incalculable tumble before the image of what we are, this 'naseau,' as a writer of today calls it, is also the absurd. likewise the stranger who at certain seconds comes to meet us in a mirror, the familiar and yet alarming brother we encounter in our own photographs is also the absurd." -camus

dear rochester

where is your culture? specifically, where are your foreign films? i have lost "all" faith i once had in the rochester public library, as the videos/audio cassette tapes are limited to "how to talk minnesotan" books and the like... come on.

if you drive 75 mph from the way north end of town to the way south end on highway 52 with the windows down and sunglasses on... it feels like you are in the old school video game "crusin' u.s.a." (minus slutty bikini-ed women or the flashy car). if you are out after 10pm, it kinda feels like you're in 28 days later because everyone is asleep and nobody is out. if you listen to KROC for 2 days in a row, by the 3rd day you know the words to all the songs they play by heart. by the way, even though the new star wars is a movie for mocking, i still want a lightsaber.

i am determined to find rochester's hidden entertainment, even if it is cheap, cheesy, or nonexistent, we will make it up. yay for certain people in rochester = adventures begin!

hopefully tonight i get to watch one of my gorgeous friends be a gorgeous model. for now, i spend a lovely friday day in my pajamas with the better one of the two movies about a president's daughter who wants to rebel and falls in love with a semi-hott secret service agent, gets mad when she finds out, but then gets over it and ends happy. okay JUST KIDDING, i'm going out to save the world as soon as i get dressed.

leah the packrat

i find comfort in movies about seemingly perfect suburban families with gorgeously decorated kitchens and problems galore. they have good quotes: "we need a witness to our lives. there's a billion people on the planet. i mean, what does any one life really mean? but in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. you're saying 'your life will not go unnoticed because i will notice it. your life will not go un-witnessed because i will be your witness'."

um, why do i feel silly for listening to songs and relating them directly to my life? i know that's what you're supposed to do, but still, i feel silly.

last night after scary "shark!" and a shared 1 1/2 pint of ice cream, i spent about an hour flipping through old photo albums. my dad's photo albums rock because he hardly let any of my life events go unphotographed. i love it now, hated it at the time. it allows me to physically see the progression of my life thus far. with the turn of a page, i am able to see the changes in learning how to dress myself in t-shirts that fit and then, things other than t-shirts, and then, things other than abercrombie & fitch. i am proud to know that i am able to dress myself better and better as the years go on. when seeing my younger self smile back at me, i remember that stage of top-row-of-teeth-showing-only smiles that i practiced in the mirror endlessly, producing ridiculous results. i see myself at birthdays, proms and family holidays, then can't but help wonder like a grandma... where did the years go and how many of them do i remember? since when did we go from discussing whether or not we want to be rock stars to whether or not we want to be young moms? good god. even though i am still so young, it's pleasantly exciting to look back on "all of the years" because i love my life. obviously all memories are not fond... nono, but i still love IT. it's this every so often that i realize the over-used, gag-worthy "life is a gift" quote is absolutely true. most people are so afraid of being unoriginal and sounding cliched, but really, where would we be without cliches? where would we be if nobody spoke the obvious or invented little inspirational magnets reminding us to live life to its fullest?

i wish i knew the key code for the accented e's character, along with a lot of other important things.

right now i kinda want to stand by my sister and beg with her to mum/dad for permission to go to the midnight showing of star wars on a school night. oh, who wants to go play on the new bamber big toy? i heard it's awesome. movie-hopping tonight :D

favorite onion article of the week

low battery

i have a great amount of respect for our pastor kevin, but sorry to say, sometimes i fall asleep during his sermons. for example, this morning. okay, that's my problem, but even though he's a fine speaker, he tends to preach about the same things. although important, i don't think these things are "preached" about in the right manner. today the sermon talked about diversity (YES sermons talk) in a way in which you might speak to an elementary school about diversity. in short: we should all hold hands and sing "kumbaya." granted there are only like 20-30 minutes for a sermon that's expected to inspire and motivate, skimming over huge issues doesn't produce inspiration or motivation. most people above the age of 5 know that they SHOULD respect and accept everyone. the question is, do we know how to and WHY we should? when every question within the church seems to have an answer, it makes me wary. i'm upset with our church and its sermons because they tend to only deal with issues on a surface level. everything is so vague while at the same time, categorized into "good" and "bad." when they address social justice issues in the downtown area due to the many low-income housing areas being torn down that low-income people NEED, that's real. something that our church not only talks about, but plans to do something about. i like that, discussing things realistically and taking action. if i could give a sermon, it would be about real things going on to others that need our help, encouraging people to carry out God's word through action, rather than telling people to think about how spoiled they are or how evil evil really is. i just wrote that very quickly because my battery light is blinking... so do you know what i'm talking about? do i sound offensive? oh, just kidding, i still have a good 9 minutes of juice left. juice... mmm.

oh another thing. after church while walking in the parking lot towards our soccer mom volvo, we (my family) were approach by a middle-aged women in raggy clothes with 2 dogs. basically, the lady was begging for money, hoping to catch some churchgoers with left-over warm fuzzy feelings. after telling us an outrageous story, she kept on begging and begging. it was interesting to see how my parents reacted. there isn't really a right way to handle a situation like that, as i have learned from state street. the "amelie" concept must only work in europe. but that is state street, not rochester. i didn't know what to think or do or feel. my mum gave her 30 bucks. i'm not at all sure what she used it for but whatever it was, i'm sure it made her life easier or better, at least for a moment. that is my optimistic ending for the one of many homeless people in communist china-like rochester, because they are hardly ever seen. i'm being dramatic.

also today = hours of good talk at panera. i love how talking to certain people can always leave you feeling better. i love that we're independent. independent people who are traveling the world and not settling down, starting next weekend to the cities and then of course, mags' vienna after graduation.

i fear that i won't be able to fall asleep tonight because of the enormous amount of THINGS in my head. oh, but don't worry about me and sleep... because i heart sleep with a fiery passion.

spooky

it seems like now is the time when everyone is supposed to be deeply self-contemptative and reflecting on how they've changed within the last year. i remember being like that at the end of high school. i spent hours in my room alone, sprawled out in the middle of my bed with old half-open journals, listening to music and getting lost in thoughts about... well, myself and my life. i believe now is the time to be as selfish as possible. it's rare to have this time with no repsonsibility for anyone but yourself, with nothing yet to lose and an endless array of possibilities. why not take advantage of it?

the thing is, i'm just passing another "significant marker" of my life, if even. there are so many things that i feel like i should feel. accomplished, experienced, more mature, missing things here and there. i am lost when i even attempt to describe how i feel about the past year. it was so personal that it'd be difficult to share it with someone else. so therefore, i am strategizing and preparing myself for the inevitable "how was college?" question. even though people may categorize this as a silly small talk question (actually not really that silly, it was quite a big deal), and even though it might sound like i am one of those people, i usually like when people simply ask. i appreciate people who ask questions and when i think about it, silly questions have begun practically all of the good talks i've ever had.

do you ever get in that zone where you start driving and end up somewhere without remembering any of the drive? it's the absent metacognition, doing things and even thinking or commenting about them, but not really... processing at all. terrible example, but one day our room smelled. i mean, it really stunk. i went through the entire day thinking to myself how much it smelled, but didn't acutally process it or question WHERE or WHAT the smell was coming from until like midnight that night. similarly, i often get into zones where i never really answer anyone's question. then, all of my answers become automatic ones that i tell most everyone, pretty much without even thinking about what i'm really saying. occasionally it happens to be that the answer isn't even true, but it just happens to be a whole lot easier than having to explain myself. god, that is so lazy. i feel like there's pressure to be too busy and too superficial that you don't even have time for a decent, honest answer. it's the difference between easily answering "oh, i hate that class" as opposed to an actual, thoughtful (imagine that) answer. i've gotten in the habit of badmouthing my major. since when did this start up? it screams indecision.

if i never again had next-day morning commitments, i would want to stay up all night every night.

apples in trees- mirah

defenestrate!

the "freaking out" stage of finals week can be remedied with the following:
1. chinese food delivery (i recommend ordering a holy load of food in order to reach the amount needed to get even more food for FREE)
2. balderdash-playing (the cheap college edition that only requires a dictionary and hand-ripped pieces of paper)

i believe gaucho pants are now classified as "in". i counted about 20 of them today and allie just got a pair, which automatically makes them stylish. also, i believe these are the same "pants" that were once mocked in the movie never been kissed and made fun of by millions. i'm not sure exactly how i feel about them, but fashion with comfort, i like. i love fashion. i just wish i had some more of it, along with a magical sewing machine to provide me with some mad sewing skills. how amazing that would be...

mmm. today around 5 pm i had the opportunity to talk with someone who shares my thought pattern! it was excellently refreshing to hear my own opinions through the voice of someone else out there who believes them to be as true as i do. ah, talk about satisfaction. this makes me feel better about those frequent moments when i don't know how to simply be. how to act, think, do anything. i frantically look around at everyone else and try to figure out what "human nature" is exactly. what it looks like, how it's done, if it's inherent or a formed thing. then i feel like a professional ecopsychological theorist (aka: cool) and i wonder if anyone else has this problem and if they ever happen to look in my direction and wonder how it's done.

very recent accomplishments: finally knowing my student ID # by heart and pulling out the whole entire CARPET from our whole entire room. ahh, bare floors!

p.s. i had deja vu 3 times today. werid... o. what does that... mean?

p.p.s. "study meals" as in group study breakfasts are the best idea in the entire world.

flake- jack johnson

i <3 summer

talking to erin makes me excited for summertime, because it's summertime and it's so soon. the famdamnily, the ridiculous number of hollywood video rentals, the panera i.c. caramels, the dorky people i call friends, and oh, the rochester. i know i will get bursts of missing things, like waking up to the sun shining through my windows (which face directly east), stumbling down out of my "loft" to go brush my teeth, lined up next to 3 or so other girls as we try to talk to each other through half-sleepy voices and toothpaste suds. i will miss HERE, but i don't think i'm going to miss it terribly, simply because i know i'll be back in no time and going home will be good. it's time for comfy movie-watching, reading, and good old-fashioned chilling. i still have to finish 86 out of the 100 greatest movies and my book list has grown to an out-of-control length. i cannot wait to get my hands on harry potter #5 and read and read to my heart's content.

if i could have a superpower, it would be to be a great writer. now, if i really thought about this, maybe i would come to terms with my own limitations and actually like the fact about myself that i stumble over words and then pick a "cool" superpower like FLYING (which would be damn cool), but for now, i really wish i could write. great writers with their amazing ability to string words together so elegantly and effectively inspire me.

i'm inspired. but oh, still not studying.

colour my world- chicago

mum's day

besides my mum, i really love the library: the hunkering down into a disgusting puke-green desk/chair set while absorbing wonderful facts about Turkish things and taking on melodramatic fantasy roles, like Kelly Clarkson with her relationship woes. spotting friends and studying at tables together while distracting each other by comparing music (uma was listening to backstreet boys today, gotta love it) and giving random looks of frustration and sarcastic smiles.

I LOVE IAN'S. ooh, too many slices tonight. just kidding, not possible. ah ha ha. definitely not studying.

"she seemed glad to see me when i appeared in the kitchen, and by watching her i began to think there was some skill involved in being a girl." -scout, to kill a mockingbird

shake shake shake senora

oooh, when i finally get an apartment it will be so cool! owning your own space. cooking with sarah in her apartment made me want an apartment and to learn how to cook. we danced around to the classics (harry belafonte, simon & garfunkel, kelis) with spatulas and aprons while wearing her & her roommate's old chemistry goggles to protect us from the erupting oil out of the cheap rumage sale pans. i truly felt like a domestic goddess. the thing i liked most about their apartment was the fact that they have a dog. it just makes a home homey, even if that means smelly and filled with yelling.

as of yesterday, i love mos def and i hate puff daddy. i also have a strong hatred for plastic surgery. especially in the asian countries where it's cheap and performed on over half of its women. bone shaving and leg extensions are sickening, but that's what happens when a guy names himself puff daddy and decides its his job to preach through this television station called MTV to millions of little teenagers, who sit there watching him yell at girls "to lay off the hamburgers."

DEVOCATION was just oh-so-cute. the group picture, the barbecue, the inappropriate conversation and jokes about love affairs, crack, and footsie-playing. the usual. also, the blc movie rocks socks off for sure.

everything is coming in "lasts" and it's sad. last day of class, last time i'll see you, last encounter with random posses, last load of laundry in bradley basement! okay, you might not think that's very sentimental, but the laundry talk was good. i will also miss the on-going, in-depth discussion about the capitalist system and the Iraqi war on the women's bathroom stalls, 1st floor @ College, unlike the men's bathroom limited to phallic images and obscenties.

leah: go shower, eat, study NOW!!!

"the unanswered questions are far less dangerous than the unquestioned answers."

050505

more sick = not fun at all. i'm managing by pretending that i'm in fact not sick, like i normally hack up lungs and talk like snuffleupagous. i don't know where that came from. like i said, fun stuff.

oh josiah leaves such lovely comments, doesn't he? although they are almost too sweet, they are somehow appreciated because i have a friend! why aren't blogs called what they really are? a procasinator's best friend. why the evil disguise?!!!! for now, at least until finals are over, i just need a place to procastinate a bit. so please don't believe anything i say to be very serious. i'm serious. i'm just trying to stay on the saner side of insane.

good things:
*smelling of SPF 30 banana boat sunscreen
*a whole lecture hall of crying (the good, inspirational-like kind) pre-design majors
*roommate bonding
*grass stains on jeans
*confusing grass with grass, in reference to a certain e-mail
*adoring the professor that i used to despise
*the korean OC
*a group powerpoint presentation with the cheesiest clipart EVER
*my dearest frank
*stealing rolls of TP and stealing in general
*tonight and tomorrow non-study fun (as opposed to study fun)

vote for my uber-cool friend @ http://www.jonessoda.com/gallery/card.php?79778-7T6VQZNEKM

simple pages- weezer

sneezing is in

if you can't do the math then get out of the equation

everyone on campus is slowly but surely dying from the same cold that was started by some scummy kid who coughed without covering his mouth on some other scummy kid who then madeout with the entire school. it's the truth. anyways, i shouldn't be talkin because i had a scummy moment myself. today in design lecture a random girl sitting to my right kept darting her eyes over and giving me the "weird look". since i automatically judge someone giving others this "look" to be a snob, i spent all the rest of lecture wrinkling my brows, wondering why this girl was being so snobby. when lecture ends i can't wait to get away from miss snobby pants' conscending glare, but then unexpectedly, she turns to me with the compliment "hey, i really love your skirt..." and i am shocked. instead of returning the niceness, i say "thanks" in a very short clipped tone and leave. things like that make me feel like a terrible person, but remind me not to get ahead of myself and also, that i make up much of what i consider to be reality in my head.

sometimes, i get overwhelmed with this incredible feeling, a desire to love anything anyone anywhere. i don't think it's happiness, but rather, lovely infatuation. this passion is usually targeted at the first thing (no matter how mundane or stupid) i come across and then the second and the third and just keeps on going. i fall in love with lip balm and mushing my lips together, the kid in my polisci discussion who has the brightest blue eyes ever, the intro of a familiar television show, the annoying bulldozer beeping when they backup, my future, the ability for human beings to feel love. it makes me feel as if i am living somewhere in between a midsummer night's dream and a jon mcgregor novel.

by the way, i really enjoy wearing a backpack. the coolness one feels when holding on to the straps at your armpits and the extra bounce that it adds to your step is indescribable. i want to find a job that will allow me to wear one. that leaves... professional backpacker. well, it has a nice ring to it.

triple yay for tonight's late-night breakfast!

mmm may

when i speak i cross my fingers

the only reason i would want a pair of high high heeled shoes would be for the clicking sounds that they make when hitting the floor. and also, with a pair of shoes like those, your presence is made known practically whenever entering a room. ah, half way to stardom.

these last few weeks have made me so completely and ridiculously overly emotional. i cry at the drop of a hat. i daydream in lecture and focus on producing doodling masterpieces. i resort to hysterical laughter when i'm at a loss of what to do. with all of the planning for various goodbye parties, the many new exciting people i've just met, the later nights, the feeling of closeness and more freedom to talk about whateverwewant, who cares about finals?

the summer job hunt frenzy begins may 14th!

i kinda wish i had the time and focus to take advantage of the web design/html/other computer geek type classes here... but hey, i'll be back soon!

most hilarious thing heard today: "trevor's in love with a polish girl."
another hilarious thing heard today: "rochester needs us."

college library, 3rd floor

i am sick. sick of snow in may. sick of alcohol. sick of insensitivity. sick of leah. and also, just plain fuzzy throat sick.

i am not sick of hot chocolate, 90s movies, or my new hooded sweatshirt.

right now i'm surrounded by many many people. i feel like i'm at a party. a laptop party! okay, i should go get my study on.

i hope tomorrow is like today- guster