spooky

it seems like now is the time when everyone is supposed to be deeply self-contemptative and reflecting on how they've changed within the last year. i remember being like that at the end of high school. i spent hours in my room alone, sprawled out in the middle of my bed with old half-open journals, listening to music and getting lost in thoughts about... well, myself and my life. i believe now is the time to be as selfish as possible. it's rare to have this time with no repsonsibility for anyone but yourself, with nothing yet to lose and an endless array of possibilities. why not take advantage of it?

the thing is, i'm just passing another "significant marker" of my life, if even. there are so many things that i feel like i should feel. accomplished, experienced, more mature, missing things here and there. i am lost when i even attempt to describe how i feel about the past year. it was so personal that it'd be difficult to share it with someone else. so therefore, i am strategizing and preparing myself for the inevitable "how was college?" question. even though people may categorize this as a silly small talk question (actually not really that silly, it was quite a big deal), and even though it might sound like i am one of those people, i usually like when people simply ask. i appreciate people who ask questions and when i think about it, silly questions have begun practically all of the good talks i've ever had.

do you ever get in that zone where you start driving and end up somewhere without remembering any of the drive? it's the absent metacognition, doing things and even thinking or commenting about them, but not really... processing at all. terrible example, but one day our room smelled. i mean, it really stunk. i went through the entire day thinking to myself how much it smelled, but didn't acutally process it or question WHERE or WHAT the smell was coming from until like midnight that night. similarly, i often get into zones where i never really answer anyone's question. then, all of my answers become automatic ones that i tell most everyone, pretty much without even thinking about what i'm really saying. occasionally it happens to be that the answer isn't even true, but it just happens to be a whole lot easier than having to explain myself. god, that is so lazy. i feel like there's pressure to be too busy and too superficial that you don't even have time for a decent, honest answer. it's the difference between easily answering "oh, i hate that class" as opposed to an actual, thoughtful (imagine that) answer. i've gotten in the habit of badmouthing my major. since when did this start up? it screams indecision.

if i never again had next-day morning commitments, i would want to stay up all night every night.

apples in trees- mirah