cold day in july

why am i absolutely nauseated by perfectly-set stereotypical "movie-esque" moments? then again, i nauseate myself by being too [adv] about most everything. i wonder with doubt if i would ever get along with myself if i were somehow out of my body? like those elementary school todd strasser books... remember? "HELP! i'm trapped in my _____'s body!" good reads. i always liked them, not only for their humor, but because they let the characters change identities... which would be different than that animorph-style. by the way, i think it's super cool that you can renew library books online. it's amazing. soon i will be able to attach my ipod directly into my brain or ears, or both?

i can now call my internship a real internship with real money! the professionalism/coolness of the word "internship" is 10000x the word "volunteering." i can't wait to build my own house. i wouldn't even have to own it and live in it, just to DESIGN a house and be able to tell everyone i see: hey, guess who architected that house? actually, by then, i would think of an alternative word for "architected" in order to prove my smarts. oh yeah. ah, i really rather not plan graduate school already. thank you.

i am in the mood to hear all things sugar-coated and to make petty complaints about my wonderful life. also, to break out of this recent bottled-up, OCD, tense, type Aish state of mine.

untitled #459

ah, i want maggie dale's backyard when i grow up.

i realize that i have a blister on my right hand from battling man-eating voles in the woods, i mean, from a coughcomputermousecough.

semi-exhausted...

wise up- aimee mann
existentialism on prom night- straylight run
fast car- tracy chapman

official

right now i am really angry at my mum. i know that i have pent up frustration, because really, i am not mad at her. i do not mean to be snobby or offensive or irrational, even though, i am. she's just the person closest to me at the moment. lucky her. ironically, i've been very enamored with families, just lately. their wonderfulness comes from all of the different forms they take on, from dysfunctional fights to traditional goodnight-kisses and dinnertimes. last night me/kate piled onto mum/dad's bed and watched letterman, laughing at stupid things. i have people to get irrationally mad at and be stupid with, thank god for them.

accidentally, i watched lindsay lohan in tv interviews on two different occasions within the last 12some hours, last night on letterman and also, this morning on some news show. regardless of what she may do behind the scenes or whenever she's away from the spotlight, when she's put in front of a camera, she carries herself with impossible poise. she was able to carry on perfectly lovely "conversations" with these middle-aged showbiz people while being able to laugh at herself and talk about herbie: fully loaded as if it was up for an academy award... or as if it was an actual movie. every laugh and every flick of her hair seemed choreographed. even if it's artificial, it's impressive.

it's a little disheartening when the longest day of the year is over and all that's left are shorter days, like i've already passed a climax or lost a chance. i'm already sliding downhill towards the end of my hollywood career (yes, forever) and another start of school and mostly unimaginable things... but for now, i live and love my summertime in dreams of good skirts and conversation.

tonight after finishing a full work day and getting stuck in a traffic jam ("rush hour" + sucky highway 52), jason mraz came on the radio and made my day. then i came home and had a rousing fight with my mum, which speaking of, i should go settle (as in go apologize, not punching or anything).

i like this hot air. it's hot.

that na-na-na song- KROC

exactlyactly

good things:
*telling every single person you see that it's a beautiful day
*movies made by MTV
*swimming in Large t-shirts
*bowls filled with fresh strawberries
*cool red, white, blue popsicles (different from the sugar free blue bunny bomb pop kind)
*choosing how to spend your time
*describing someone as sassy
*the radio bringing back all of my 90s favorites (specifically, vertical horizon) and playing them REGULARLY, OMG
*a non-purse person (me) purse-shopping
*brugger's bagels that are worthy of a trip across town
*special trips to hy-vee for junk food only
*tom & katie's engagement announcement considered "earth-shattering" by NBC
*"you GUESS you're tired? when i'm tired i don't guess."
*having more things to add but sadly, no more time

dedicated to bob t.

figuring things out with other people is the best way to go. even though i might be a mess now, i feel like i need to be a little messy and/or crazy in order continue pursuing the life that i want. otherwise, i'm going to eventually hit a wall. i'll be flung into adulthood without grounding because i will have spent all of this time supressing insecurities and projecting confidence, when it is all pretend. as much as i would like to be a compassionate person, this is not the time. there is too much interest in the gritty, bitchy, cynical stuff of people.

ah, i really enjoy being a part of the millions that partake in what is commonly known as "the daily grind." why do i love it? because it hasn't been daily, it's only been... 2 days. oh well, i am still going to cherish this bizzare thrill. not only do i get to start the day at 7:00am, but i also get a cubicle and my very own extension number.

wow do i feel like blogs are incredibly juvenille. they seem to work better when there's more melodrama and quality computer time. i'm now searching through thefacebook, which i haven't done since my mini procasination plights during finals week. sometimes i forget about school and all of the work and play that i experienced. i'll find bent-up essays that took me months to write (uh they were my life!) and i've forgotten about them now. it's such a double life.

oh man, i am stuffed with cheetos (the puff ones, of course) and good conversation topics. lately i've been falling asleep around dinnertime... what an old fogie. i need. my bed. goodnight.

alo!

what the hell is caller i.d.?

okay. i really really have so much to say but what to say...? my days are spent lying out in the park with inta juice smoothies and seeing movies (aka: work) and good sleep. it's not quite working in an african orphanage, but it's enough for me. even though i am so keen on routine, i don't want to live the same day twice. it's all about the cheap thrills.

today after i woke up to an empty house, i lounged around my room for a while, getting dressed at a snail's pace while reading and enjoying the radio. so nice. besides walking around in underwear and cranking up the volume to the max, i started to wonder what else i would do differently if other people were around. sometimes i'm not sure my family counts as "other people" since they have pretty much seen it all, but in general, other people. what guards do people put up once they step out in public? what little quirks or mannerisms do they hide? a good 10 minutes of my morning was spent making faces of all sorts into the mirror, some (actually a lot of them) i'm sure are terrifying. after i realized what i was actually doing... trying to seduce a mirror, i got embarassed in front of myself and stopped immediately. weirdness, best expressed in my real journals, which i love. they are so irrational and dramatic and me. they demonstrate my ability to completely change moods at least 3 times on one page, although i'd like to believe i have a steady, cheerful disposition for the majority for the time because as my mother likes to often remind me: "leah, you have things pretty good at the moment."

right now, the thing i dislike the most is when my days consist of saying hundreds of "have a nice day"s with a stiff pleasant face or robotically running on a tredmill plugged into man-made music, when i can feel myself wanting to be numb. yuck. there's also the sparodic moments of really caring about the sudanese genocide when reading the newspaper and then being disgusted with myself, and i don't have the energy to write something great on the impossibility of people not being racist and the media's ideal woman being balanced between thinking too much and too little, and also about how i go to noodles way too much. but I LOVE IT.

vladimir nabokov is bizzare for sure but his descriptions and phrases make him one of my favorite writers: "incarnadine zebras!" and "oh, she was very genteel: she said 'excuse me' whenever a slight burp interrupted her flowing speech, called an envelope an ahnvelope, and when talking to her lady-friends referred to me as mr. humbert."

ooh before i forget. I WANT TO GO TO: PAT MCCURDY, SPAM JAM, SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS, PARIS, ETC.

tomorrow i start the first day of interning for my potential life-long career. i hope it works. when i realize that i am actually nervous for this, i feel the excited-happy-nervous. it's been a while since i was truly nervous for something.

"yeah. well so. that was when i was like 3." -kyra the 5-year-old