plus one

i thought i had a lot of great thoughts, but unsurprisingly, uh not really. i'm sitting in bed thinking about all of the things i dislike about myself (because self-deprecation is oh-so-attractive) while listening to some damn good tracy chapman.

my sister is downstairs bawling her eyes out because she just witnessed some of her good friends in a bad car accident. i have to say, when it comes to "tragedy", i lose it. i will be insensitive when i need to be most sensitive and not cry until it feels real to me. my tear ducts are selfish. i have never been able to make myself cry. never good at acting. in middle school our coolest youth pastor (matt) moved to the cities and we had a goodbye celebration... no, that sounds wrong, goodbye party... still sounds a bit wrong, goodbye thingamabob for him after the service. everybody cried except for me. all of my girlfriends were around me wiping their eyes and blowing their noses and when it was time to give matt hugs and well wishes, i felt shitty because my eyes were dry. it's not like i was going to miss him any less than anyone else, so why couldn't my eyes give me a break and shed a few tears? i can cry compassionately during the notebook, but not when kate is obviously terribly distraught. oh well. people have problems with showing emotion. i am just confirming my normalcy while being ridiculous.

must start studying... i feel guilty for indulging in more sex & the city episodes and noodles. actually, not too guilty. i think i'm going on week 3 of the "bad mood" and can official say that august has sucked quite a bit. i'm trying my best to love it, but so far, not working.