agoraphobia

there's a certain kind of bonding that happens only when you and your roommate both stay in the room for four days straight because you're both unwilling to brave the cold outside. food is delivered, movies are watched more than once, and things are way more funny than they ought to be.

besides writing a script for dustin to ask a girl out tomorrow and watching the guy down the hall get arrested, i did absolutely nothing today except for study... and still, i did not have to leave the room.

well okay! back to gigolos and inflation indexes.

at this time tomorrow, i will be packing like a mad woman with mum and skipping up and down the halls and hugging EVERYONE.

goddamn self-fulfilling prophecy

this morning after my shower i accidentally began to lotion my legs with my hair creme stuff. how brilliant. the bottles look similar and they are both pretty smelling! uf, who does that?

although i remembered chloe's birthday on friday, i managed to forget my dad's yesterday. how awful. i realized with an OHSHIT around 7 o'clock this evening, so it was officially missed by a day. wow, i forget that parents don't have facebook with virtual birthday reminders. this wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't actually remembered chloe's, seeing as she IS my dog. anyways, i called my dad for an awkward belated happy birthday and then preceeded to listen to him rattle off his christmas list of certain car and plane models... most of which i did not recognize, oh what a dreamer.

lately i've been in love with the telephone, or rather, the people on the other end of the line. somehow, chats over the phone with a best friend always leave things a little better than they were before. seamless conversations come in the form of swapping gossipy bits and best/worst moments of the week, while mind-reading each other's next move and pulling out inside jokes from an entire stash complied over a seven year period. i love it.

also, chats with a certain lover right before sleep = very good sleep

upchucking

yesterday i wrapped my very first christmas present of the year. i splurged on some shiny green ribbon to go with my green christmas tree wrapping paper. then i cut, taped, and folded a complete masterpiece. ah. i haven't done anything insanely outrageous for way too long.

that will change soon.

well kids, it's about that time. time to upchuck every bit of information from every lecture over the course of the last 4 months. sickening. stress is unhealthy for many reasons, but number one: it turns me into a self-centered monster. it's all about me and fucking A-F letters and approval from professors. i am careless with other people's emotions and do not take the time to listen to answers to generic questions that i ask out of obligation. there are too many unsaid words of encouragement and congratulations that i should be handing out. instead, i am too distracted with studying myself to death and planning ways to beat up my psych prof. like i said, sickening.

"i send my love with you." people hardly ever say things like this outloud anymore. wilma said this at my last visit with her and i had to hug her again. oh, i will miss that 83-year-old woman and our talks about leo dicaprio's hottness and fashionably flared pants.

okay. sanity intact? life in perspective? cookies nearby?

nothing beats a good stigma

i just realized i'm listening to my techno music way too loudly. now, switching to "baby it's cold outside" and wishing it would start to snow... actually, that's a big fat lie. snow is kind of like pizza for me. i don't particularly like snow but everyone else does, so eh, why not?

movies to see over break:
brokeback mountain
kiss kiss bang bang
chronicles of narnia
shopgirl
memoirs of a geisha
the squid & the whale

i've been meaning to make that list since thanksgiving break ended.

school is overly frustrating at the moment. i don't mind the normal studying hard and doing homework on time business, but i do mind when professionals are inconsiderate of their student's time. hey leah, why so much ranting lately? whatever. school is getting under my skin like no other. talk about restless. thrusday in art was the only time i felt truly sad about this semester ending. i enjoy the people in my art class so much, i will miss seeing them multiple times a week for many hours at a time, for sure.

and the hermitage begins...

"something needs to happen. something huge. the taking over of something, a building, a city, a country. we should all be armed and taking over small countries. or rioting. or no: an orgy. there should be an orgy." -a heartbreaking work of staggering genius

like a million bucks

MY GRANDMA SAVED MY LIFE TODAY.

thank god for grandmas around the world like her.

on holiday

lately i've been dreamily planning out my 20s life in years. a year in europe, four years in graduate school, two years in korea, three years in new york city.

spending the day in chicago made me realize how much i crave a metropolitan atmosphere. its energy gives me energy. it's inspiring. i do not mind the hodgepodge of people crammed together into the same space. i do not mind the sounds of life everywhere. i definitely do not mind millions of gorgeous dresses for drooling over. i would be okay with acknowledging my role as an expendible periphery character in the world of a city. i would love being a small small part of something so big.

so, i swear my mind is already on winter break. this is not a good thing. tonight bret let me download all of the music i wanted from him and i took full advantage. oh happy with jason mraz and cat stevens and DHT's "listen to your heart [techno version]".

there are lengthy e-mails to write and 5-hour phone calls to make and distressing advising appointments to attend and Christmas/Hannukah presents to buy and current events to ignore, ah!

do you know what nordstrom's is?

you know it's winter when people start doing the freezing slouch shuffle with fingers curled in tightly, shoulders up to the ears, and rigid arms. if everyone wore black and white we'd be penguins. i wish i could enjoy this weather and snow, but it's difficult without some free time and a good pair of boots (preferably neon pink and purple).

i just got back from an ASID banquet. banqueting rule #1: always go with a friend. sitting there in my BCBG dress will all of us girls dressed up (amanda and i wore sweatpants under our dresses while walking there and back), none of them overweight or with blemishes, i found myself a bit unnerved. i felt like i talked for a good three hours with these nice, smart, pretty girls about nothing in particular. unlike the good kind of nothing talks, this was more like words simply poofing air out of my mouth and immediately dissolving because of their insignificance. somewhat tiring? although it was far from torture with amanda as my date and extremely good food, i doubt banquets are my thing.

it was a good week... got the contacts in in less than 30 minutes! got As on tests. got an apartment. the wind was perfect on monday. leftover thanksgiving wonderfulness and "i love you"s. the kind of inspiration where you walk around like you're holding a great secret. one week ago today i spent the best shopping day of the year in a snowstorm. ran over the entire median curb on 37th st. intersection and klunked down in one piece (only damaging 1 tire of the beloved volvo belonging to the parental). 5 minutes later, got stranded in the middle of the road on huge ice chunks that spun my wheels around and around, which is when i was helped by a nice mormon family who all got out to push my car. i don't know why i just re-capped that day.

i love how mary writes:
"i went to see Elizabethtown with Leah last night. it was our dirty little pleasure to be sneaking off on a monday night to go to the movies for no apparent reason other than to just be friends."

"Casey tells me i'm doing a good job of being a girl. i have no idea what she is talking about. that familiar burning and swelling in my chest rises up. she leaves to study for organic chemistry. i continue to write this. i decide i need a pair of heels, a heavily spiked cocktail, and a good fuck...or at least a kiss."

to clarify, mary is a friend, not a stranger, or famous person, yet. there is something so raw and exposed and blatant about how she writes, everyday. she is comfortable writing about everything and everyone without holding herself back. i am rarely able to muster up the strength to write or speak in absolute honesty, which is why i admire her. the only thing that kills me is her own attitude about herself, which is basically shitty, self-deprecating while constantly feeling as though she is not living up to others' expectations. i cannot wait for the day when she learns to at least respect herself and recognize herself in a different light.

"i am tired of hiding, tired of misspent and knotted engeries, tired of the hypocrisy, and tired of acting as though i have something to hide. one is what one is, and the dishonesty of hiding behind a degree, or a title, or any manner and collection of words, is exactly that: dishonesty. necessary, perhaps, but dishonest... i find myself somewhat inevitably taking a certain solace in Robert Lowell's essential question, yet why not say what happened?" -an unquiet mind

kay jamison's writing style is also one that i tend to eat up. lives that are examined in one piece as a whole are appealing because they rest on the great things. it reminds me of whenever i ride the city bus and stare out at the passing faces and ongoing lives. it allows me to clearly see class and crazy people and everday hardships. also, it allows me to make friends who hook me up with sweet spring semester jobs.

sleep... i went for a run today for the first time since the temperature dropped below freezing... i don't think i'll be able to walk tomorrow... goodnight!