b-e-a

today school was my passion. specifically, mechanical engineering. specifically, autoCAD. essentially, autoCAD is scarily identical to playing the cd-rom game "the sims", just without people to control. all of those geeky hours during middle school (and okay, high school! and last summer too!) playing that computer game are kind of actually getting me somewhere. now, instead of sneaking downstairs at night and staying up alone in the family room with chloe, allison and i stay after class for hours at a time to finish our apartment solutions. ah, you do not know how good this makes me feel. i am falling in love with my major all over again and being glad that this subject matter is where i am investing my time and energies.

a couple weeks ago, i got asked if i could "model" (no, not like super and yes, with amy) in our dorm room for the next uw-madison housing brochure picture. so, okay. why are amy and i so special? i mean, i know we are extraordinary beauties, but really? they told us they need good student role models, ha! let's calculate how many anthro classes i have stayed awake through (1, barely). anyway. i forgot about it for a while until recently when they asked to schedule a time with us. when i hesitated (i think i stopped being photogenic around age 8), they pushed. then it came to my attention that they told us they needed to "add visual diversity" this year. i automatically felt offended because they saw me as an asian in the midwest and not leah. i realize that my thoughts are dangerously close to crossing that invisible line separating real issues from unnessarily amplified ones, but i can't help feel this degree of choreography is ridiculous. i always laugh when discussing the token african-american boy in the early harry potter movies, why? because we go crazy obsessed with attempting to put together "picture perfect" images (extending far beyond racial diversity only). hm, whatever. i don't mind smiling chessily for them, but i do mind their efforts to portray a false representation of madison as having asians around every corner. (*even if the highest percentage of international students are korean)

one thing i have never understood is why people write symbols for letters in swear words (for example: a$$hole) because they don't want to say the actual word. this seems incredibly... pointless? please, someone enlighten me?

my eyes cannot stay open any longer, so i leave you with 3 random facts:
1. SPRING BREAK IN 11 DAYS!
2. got hooked on grey's anatomy tonight. 1st episode = crying 5 separate times! i know i am behind, but people do not lie, it is good.
3. jason mraz is dating tristan prettyman?!

my weekend

the good:
*brownies for breakfast
*cutting mary's hair like a pro
*the spice girls
*amy's homemade OC soundtrack with dialogue
*ben taylor singing "boyfriend"
*tristan prettyman gossiping about lindsay lohan
*peach schnapps
*my love, katie mahoney (aka: superwoman)
*4 chick flicks in a row
*late late night talks with scott
*clip-on earrings

the bad:
*broken ipod
*HANSON hair
*shin splints
*missing the girls

...approximately 73% eeeeexcellent!

oscar the grouch

i really need to be angry at something or someone right now. just recently, it enrages me to be surrounded only by opinions that conflict with mine, from beaten-to-a-pulp controversial issues to whether or not RENT the movie or play is better.

so we saw RENT, enjoyed roger's hollow voice especially, hated the bad sound system, and did not get to meet the cast like we were expecting. i give the overall night a 6 out of 10. -2 points for the shitty sound, -1 point because no backstage access and -1 point because some people i went with did not like it.

that night, the RENT night, was i think the first time i've ever felt truly scared of growing older. when the production was over and the masses of people were filing out, we saw an elderly man sitting on the stairs completely blocking traffic. his accompanying party was surrounding him and obviously in the process of getting him help, aka: a wheelchair. the crowd around him couldn't really go anywhere very quickly, so we (me + 100s of other people) were waiting for a good 5 minutes while this man just had to sit there and sigh. standing there and watching this awkward situation gave my brain time to switch from myself to him. how embarrasing and humiliating. i really have no nice conclusions and grandiose statement about the elderly population, except for the fact that i think i would like my focus of interior design to be assisted living communities.

STILL ANGRY!

par avion

this week's schedule:
3 midterm exams
2 evenings at the theater (RENT in 19 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
1 tristan prettyman concert

i'm so ready to tackle the week. i feel very happy and healthy and motivated. things are coming and going with unbelievable speed and life is exciting. i heart spring break in a mere 3 WEEKS.

good mail = belated valentine's day card with hallmark sap from my great aunt (bless her heart) and a london postcard from sara who gets to drink all day and visit harry potter movie sets and call it "studying" abroad.

the following excerpt is from tegan.

GOD: i own you like i own the caves.
THE OCEAN: not a chance. no comparison.
GOD: i made you. i could tame you.
THE OCEAN: at one time, maybe. but not now.
GOD: i will come to you, freeze you, break you.
THE OCEAN: i will spread myself like wings. i am a billion tiny feathers. you have no idea what's happened to me.
-dave eggers, the only meaning of the oil-wet water

winter weather advisory

WOO PHYSICS LAB IN 8 HOURS and STUDYING FONTS IN DESIGN!
(only one of those was sarcastic)

lately i have felt like an impostor. some things that my life has revolved around for quite some time have suddenly lost their meaning and appeal. there are points when these things tend to fall away from my perspective and i wish i could set them aside, temporarily, in order to figure out other things, bigger things for a bit. every fiber of my being seems to want to grasp onto this concept, principle, revelation that i have not figured out yet. each day feels a hundred times more intense than usual. this has to be something big.

good news, i just received a valentine's present from scott and part of it was a great great mixed cd that i will listen constantly for the next few days and weeks, probably months! it is especially great for motion city soundtrack, nick drake, and mutual admiration society. i wish "attractive today" was longer than 1:42 min. i haven't felt this inspired by music for a while. another bit of good news is that scott just got his job at IBM. this is surreal in a good way, simply because it's IBM and we'll get to spend the summer bumming around together.

olympic commentary: johnny weir has the prettiest feminine facial features! he should really have gotten a higher score tonight.

love love love

despite a very restless night, i enjoyed today. i wrote a longer than usual e-mail to my grandma. i spontaneously called a friend in the middle of classes because i simply could not wait until after class to talk. i definitely listened to sappy love songs and sung outloud.

i must remember to continue to be thankful even after thanksgiving and christmas and new year's. everyday i am thankful for so many everyday people and things, but sometimes "thankfulness" is not something tanglible enough to make me stop and smile and thank my lucky stars as often as i should.

come downstairs and say hello

i have no desire to sleep. (very good) marathon homework stretches generate so much more energy than i know what to do with.

i have succumbed to my former identity as motivated college student, at least for the next two weeks. this involves me doing the following:
1. will do homework
2. will not change into pjs immediately after class
3. will only watch 1 hour of the olympics/day (and no OC reruns)
4. will write notes in neat handwriting
5. will not do the sudoku OR crossword during anthro (only physics)
6. will take shots of red jak & MDX with amy past midnight
7. will not stop homework for the bathroom!
8. will not kill my lab partner (too violently)
9. will remember to bring a pencil or pen to class
10. will LOVE SCHOOL

blue stripes and mussels

okay, these moments are the best best best: i am sitting here pathetically scrolling through facebook and blankly scanning through friends while wondering how everyone's lives fit into a profile so glamourously. i get a little green-eyed at the fact that i am still listening to avril and not some culturally sophisticated pre-popular indie band to supposedly reflect my character. i quickly become dissatisfied with little things and then big things as my composure begins to crumble a bit. then "sk8er boi" begins to play and i mean, how can i not sing along? pure bliss and contentment follow.

i am embarrassed, so i think i'm not going to (directly) talk about facebook ever again.

after this morning's sleeping in, this afternoon's lovely lovely 2-hour nap, and this evening's chocolate chipwich, i doubt i will be able to go to sleep anytime soon. yes!

damn it feels good to be a housewife

tonight i watched the news for the first time in a while. after 10 minutes, katie and i were in tears. this is why i do not watch the news. maybe i should be watching the news, but i really rather not sit through yet another scene of "anti-homosexual" baptist churches protesting that the war has been caused by homosexuals and holding signs saying "thank god for dead soliders" at funerals. i just do not fucking understand.

i am the dumbest person right now because i cannot do my elementary physics.

24 hours, please hurry up!