national dance day

the last two days have been those 12+ hour school days where i hardly have time to go pee. surprisingly, though, this hasn't gotten me down. it's like, even when heading back from the library in the middle of the night, i still want to dance all the way home. there are many specific things that could qualify as the source of this contentment, but for now, i like that i don't know which one it is exactly.

when i got back to the dorms on sunday night, it was depressing. my stomach was unsettled and i felt incredibly lonely. it was one of those moments where you need a distraction because your mind is dangerous left alone. luckily, kate was here to save me. we ended up accidentally talking for hours until late late when we began to "caveman grunt" instead of speak for real. in the end, both of us basically just got more depressed. i realized just how little i know. i know nothing. i really want to know if people could be categorized on a "deepness-of-thought potential" spectrum of 1-10, what would be the average of everyone in the world? also, i would like to know precisely where the point is in which too much thinking becomes unhealthy and ignorance loses its blissfulness. is it possible to be as aware and thoughtful as possible while retaining complete happiness? i would say, no. i absolutely love to analyze subjects to death in a gritty, realistic, most pessimistic way with kate any time of the day. but even while we were discussing these things in a fairly simplistic, elementary way, it made my heart and head ache. we feebly attempted to answer the abstract question: what is love? in reality, what if this beautiful, breathtaking experience is simply two people using each other? i know in my innermost insides that love is more than a relationship based on superficial manipulation, but logically, it seems to be just that. even if love is a selfish act, it is considered "good" in our culture because it doesn't necessarily harm others. yeah. this makes me think that everything EVERYTHING we do is backed by selfish motives. and that is not very happy or comforting.

this stuff is kind of shaping how i view the world for at least this week. i am pessimistic but happy? um, this is why i have been answering "i don't know" after the "how are you?" question. well anyways, i wish i could talk in more seriousness right now, but honestly, i have a mystery dinner party to dress up for in an hour and all i can think about is my uber-cool costume.

manda and i were actually complaining about how hot it was today. and how "hot" outside is it exactly? BARELY ABOVE FREEZING. oh, i love being from the midwest. okay, time to transform my identity!