Q: why was the blonde furious when she got her driver's license?

A: because she got an F in sex.

wow, it's been a while since i've written a good steady stream of entries. i still wish i could write everyday, but you know, things happen. the above joke is what was on the birthday card that my parents gave me. i felt like i couldn't really laugh fully at it when i actually opened it in front of them, but it's pretty funny. that card was pretty much the only funny thing about my birthday, as it was not a very happy birthday at all. there are several reasons why, and i am going to list them because i have not quite gotten over them yet (and also because i simply enjoy torturing myself by dwelling on the past!):

-forgot wallet at school and was not allowed to participate in the obligatory midnight purchase of alcohol... pathetically sulked with my nada colada instead
-my family was not in a celebration mood and all forgot to wish me happy birthday until i reminded them. there was no singing or big display of presents... there was only 1 card and 1 too-large long-sleeved cotton shirt. maybe i still believe myself to be 5 years old and greedy as all heck, but i was a little disappointed.
-saw the worst movie EVER: "man of the year" (what the hell was that?)
-had mid-life crisis the whole weekend with a non-stop series of REOs (random emotional outbreaks)
-started my birthday day at 8am very unwildly and soberly at church

for the first time ever, madison (or rather, campus) seems more like home than home. obviously, my trip to rochester home was a little less than enjoyable. i can pretty much guarantee you 100% that next year's birthday will turn out better, because i doubt it could have gone any worse. in an attempt at optimism, i have decided to be like everyone else and just not remember my 21st birthday at all. however, i do remember last night, my birthday day-after, which was 100x better. i got to see my vassar friend, mandy, who is visiting for her fall break, and have a korea reunion with the other ewha boys, mark and bou. there was much drinking and reminising (best done together), and i really really love those people.

so, my emotions have gone haywire for now and i don't know what to do. i really don't. some days i am so content with being me and making mistakes and relearning, but other days i find myself wanting to collapse in the middle of the sidewalk while walking to class. i always cringe when people say that they "don't understand how people can do that or be that way" when we all manifest Crazy in our own ways. i am excellent for now, but can't help but be very very fearful for the future.

i love all of you who keep me going and inspired.