you turn me on to the idea of growing older

although i am in love with seeing family and old friends, i always forget the deep bouts of depression that hit me when i am back home. the constant changes of my rock-solid childhood ideals of family and even the city of rochester itself force me to actually acknowledge the non-ideal changes within myself and the physical/emotional distance between myself and everyone else. i don't know what to make of the past few, quite angst-ridden, years after attempting to fool myself into thinking that all of this would end with high school. the inevitable process of growing older is out-right depressing when i stop to think about it, not simply because of TLC's 10 years younger show (horrible!) but because the older i get, the more knowledge i acquire and the more i understand the gross and brutual realities of the world. amplified by recent adulthood, i feel constantly suffocated and pressured with a lack of margin for error. i wish that i could go back to my teenage self for a bit to get my head on my shoulders, back at a time when i was rarely afraid of yelling irrationally about what i feel- whether it was admitting cluelessness or ranting about people that i do not like.

now it's time to bite down and really sink my teeth into school for once this semester. at least it's comforting to know that the scary, bold deadlines filling my planner until december 21st are eventually followed by COMPLETELY BLANK pages.