*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

have started the best christmas list ever
have watched so much LOST and i want to discuss it with everyone!
have gotten another failing grade
have started my running routine again
have not unpacked from break yet
have hung 600 twinkle lights all over the apartment
have made an impossible number of plans for this weekend

am deliriously happy

you turn me on to the idea of growing older

although i am in love with seeing family and old friends, i always forget the deep bouts of depression that hit me when i am back home. the constant changes of my rock-solid childhood ideals of family and even the city of rochester itself force me to actually acknowledge the non-ideal changes within myself and the physical/emotional distance between myself and everyone else. i don't know what to make of the past few, quite angst-ridden, years after attempting to fool myself into thinking that all of this would end with high school. the inevitable process of growing older is out-right depressing when i stop to think about it, not simply because of TLC's 10 years younger show (horrible!) but because the older i get, the more knowledge i acquire and the more i understand the gross and brutual realities of the world. amplified by recent adulthood, i feel constantly suffocated and pressured with a lack of margin for error. i wish that i could go back to my teenage self for a bit to get my head on my shoulders, back at a time when i was rarely afraid of yelling irrationally about what i feel- whether it was admitting cluelessness or ranting about people that i do not like.

now it's time to bite down and really sink my teeth into school for once this semester. at least it's comforting to know that the scary, bold deadlines filling my planner until december 21st are eventually followed by COMPLETELY BLANK pages.

fresh start

hi there. lately i have been so unhappy with myself that i don't know what to do except for start fresh. it is getting to the point where i don't even write what i actually think anymore. so, i have decided to start writing more and more honestly starting now. well actually, i should go finish my art history paper and then probably watch more wonderful episodes of LOST that wonderful scott downloaded to my wonderful laptop while half-assing my not-so-wonderful real estate homework while restraining myself from devouring all of the HOMEMADE chocolate brownies (+ homemade frosting, i am so proud of myself) that i just baked. but soon!

fuck the rococo

(subject title = facebook group of another school that i desperately want to join but cannot)
i feel like i am so serious about life right now, and i need not to be! i am serious about that.

as promised:
1. BORAT is worth about a 4-word review = naked hairy jewish balls
2. favorite quote = "the opposite of love is indifference" by who knows, i heard it on oprah said by preston burke/isaiah washington in reference to his catfight with patrick demsey, haha

tomorrow afternoon = home, family, grandma, scott, em, chloe, a full refrigerator

pre-holiday cheer

tonight i had one of the best meals of my life (see below picture) at an authentic chinese dinner party! i do not know the names of any of the dishes, since their names don't translate, but mmm... phenomenally better than sketch carry-out JADE GARDEN on park street. for dessert we had tofu pumpkin pie and black tea while watching the classic "home alone" on televsion. at first i was a little nervous about going to this shindig tonight since i didn't know anyone except for the hostesses, hsaio-chi and her other taiwanese roommate, but they invited all of their american and taiwanese friends together and served us their homemade heavenly food and wow, what a great night with a room full of semi-strangers.



later... review of "borat" and my new favorite quote.

miller high life

tonight i have been busy trying to figure out how to get out of this corporate university trap as soon as possible while scheduling my spring semester classes. however, as much as i do not want to spend another 3 semesters in undergraduate studies, i am still secretly dying to take more (unnecessary) classes... communication arts and environmental studies just sound oh-so-irresistable.

the past few days have been excellent: talking to my long-distance friends in new york, eau claire, and ecuador, finishing season 2 of grey's anatomy, which leaves me very teary-eyed and emotionally drained (hello, izzy and denny + chasing cars in the background = bawling), the beginning of the short but glorious 2-3 days of my hair being at the perfect length, getting pathetically tipsy after 1 beer tonight at the nitty because i haven't had a drink in forever but having the best half hour high ever.

i should have been dead, asleep 2 hours ago. i meant, dead-asleep, not dead. eh... i felt like writing this out before the pre-thanksgiving/finals frenzy begins. i really really want to read all of these books right now and it kind of devastates me that there is no real time for me to read them:

the end- lemony snicket
ecology of commerce- paul hawken
mid-course correction- ray anderson
under the banner of heaven- jon krakauer

perhaps tonight. why not? oh right, because i will wake up tomorrow morning with the largest book cover creases ever implanted in my face.

finally!

good things:
*pandora.com (totally free, totally legal, totally cool)
*the motivational "cards are cheaper than therapy" cards that my dad sends me
*cooking delicious meals as a form of procastination
*roommates and their jokes
*vanilla yogurt sprinkled with fresh raspberries
*multiple mid-day phone calls
*making up nicknames for everyone in lecture with alison
*clipped and painted nails
*drooling over my amazon.com wish list of mostly books
*tickets to AIDA at the overture theatre tomorrow night
*startling randoms with my awful cough
*learning chinese? (nee-haw = hello)
*receiving a postcard from the old roommate in MADRID and living vicariously through her and her wild spanish partying that lasts til 6am
*cotton tees all week

slow dancing in a burning room

it's spring and flip flops have never felt this good. thank god. right now i am on day #3 of a really bad cold, which means that my hearing is all screwy and i sound like a smurf. at least i am over day 1 (not being able to breath) & 2 (not being able to talk) of this ridiculous virus. around noon i took some of sara's innocent-looking, generic cold medicine, only to pass out an hour later in the class where we were inconveniently GIVING PRESENTATIONS. i managed to speak while unsuccessfully forcing every muscle in my bod to keep my eyes open and my head upright. in the end, i had fooled no one and simply confessed my earlier drug consumption and dragged myself out of the room.

yesterday morning i failed my first exam ever! i know i should be worried or nervous for my baby/GPA, but the failing grade will be completely accurate. this exam, like the majority of exams, showed my prof the amount of time i devoted to rote memorization (zilch) and basically said: hi, i'm leah nichols (or rather, student ID# ...........) and i cannot memorize 2978 dates, names, theories, and terms in 1 day when sick in bed and that is fine with me.

okay, so i'm not rocking school or my immune system so much lately. however, i have been able to see some pretty darn good movies. but before i forget, my roommate, kristin, just got offered the 'teach for america' job that she's been working for her entire college career. this is terribly exciting. it's so motivational (and fairly rare on a personal level) to see the process that someone goes through to make a goal, work towards it, and achieve it. major kudos to her.

marie antoinette (A)
i've been wanting to see this movie for quite some time, despite the mixed reviews and only knowing marie antoinette for her "cake" line. i liked this movie so much that i am actually excited to see it again! even though kirsten dunst gets a lot of crap, she was perfect for this role. jason schwartzman was also perfect as louis XVI (although not as fat as i expected) for his awkward sweetness. molly shannon and moaning myrtle were both in this movie too, but i don't know what was up with that. the gazillion costume changes in this movie was great for feasting upon all of the absolutely gorgeous dresses. the soundtrack was also great in a not-going-to-buy-it-yet-but-will-listen-to-its-free-clips-constantly way. in summary, sofia coppola is stellar.

half nelson (B+)
i saw this with alison and scott on saturday night at the union. i wasn't sure what to expect, as none of us really knew what the movie was about except for the fact that it stars hottie ryan gosling. it was a fairly realistic story with minimal dialogue of a drug-addicted teacher and his relationships with his students, family, self. overall, a really good film cinematographically (probably not a word) and in terms of character-building and depth, but nowhere near uplifting or "fun" even in the end.

stranger than fiction (B+)
yay will ferrell, maggie gyllenhaal, emma thompson, boo queen latifah (sorry to all the fans) and dustin hoffman. this comedy (but not really) was actually one that went beyond its funny preview clips and was smart enough to make a real story. lots of the movie is semi-awkward, simply because its tone shifts from serious to funny so many different times. everyone in the audience would be silent for a long while and then suddenly be burst out laughing- a bit frightening but i joined in. if you think about the movie too hard, it doesn't make sense. so i recommend this for a night where you really really really don't feel like thinking... maybe when you are half-passed out because you will still get the plot + scattered one-liners.

that is all! now off to real estate with all of the money-obsessed, china-hating mongrels...

i eat shoes for breakfast

today it actually felt like halloween! randomly, this afternoon i was craving skittles like no other. i don't think i've eaten a single skittle since at least middle school, let alone indulged on any other pure candy bar item, which is pretty sad. so, during a break in our design lab this afternoon, amanda and i skipped down (quite literally) to the vending machines with our one dollar bills in hand. amanda decided on peanut m&m's, of which i approved, and i pushed the buttons of my skittles choice... resulting in not 1 but 2 shiny red bags dropping down! the only other time that candy has made me that happy (and too-many-sweets sick) is on childhood halloweens. i just finished up making real gourmet stovetop popcorn and reminiscing with the roomies about the brightly colored, syrup-covered popcorn balls that they used to sell for halloween in grocery stores. so difficult to eat, but so so cool.

even though i am saying goodbye to another pair of shoes (below), i feel a fresh start coming on as i look forward to the future of a possible job THAT PAYS with the conversational english tutoring program, my trips to guatemala this winter and china this summer, YAYA SO EXCITED, and tonight's sleep.



apparently, my left foot is made of lead (refer to previous picture of destroyed flip-flop WITH HOLE IN LEFT HEEL)! why can't i walk? please help.

this week in music = the postal service and johnny cash

thumbs and stars

movie review catch-up day! these are from last weekend, but i have been too busy to really think about them until now.

hard candy (A)
i really really liked this movie. it is about a pedophile and a very sick (as in twisted) teenage girl, but it's still great from beginning to end. there is really no other movie out there (that i know of) quite like this one, so if you're willing to brave a bit (and i mean lots) of violence and psychological trauma, go for it!

the prestige (B)
this movie is one of those that makes you go "hmmmm" afterwards for a good 30 minutes. the plot line is good up until the end and it has a good number of hotties in it, but in the end this movie just reminded me of a cooler movie with the same concept ("primer"). it also made me think about my childhood magic trick phases when all i wanted was those little KLUTZ (?) kits. you know, the books that aren't really books but more like toys with books attached to them. it also made me think deeply about contradictions and why we are obsessed with them, but i forgot why.

friends with money (B+)
i love catherine keener! this movie was ironic and depressing enough, but go see nicole holofcener's other, older movie "lovely and amazing" because that movie is fantastic!

more to come this weekend!
tonight we were driving around madison to all of the halloween shops and let me tell you, they were absolutely PACKED. we had to illegally make up our own parking spots because there weren't any spaces left in the lots. i feel like halloween costumes are turning into real... clothes? there are some $100 costumes that you'd definitely have to wear again just to get your money's worth. damn. but seriously, elaborate formal dresses and real wigs? hand me the scotch tape and wal-mart hair dye!

od on tv night

finally, i have completely assimilated back into american fashion, that is, plain and square! my birks, my bulky/lumpy down coat (i'm not a fan), and my ill-fitting ae jeans. unfortunately, i do not have a korean wardrobe that can handle the freezing temperatures. it's so funny to think that when i was in korea, i felt so awkwardly american. people could immediately recognize us as americans simply by our blah clothing. then, when i came back from korea and started to sport my new uber-girly korean dresses and cutesy hair clips, i felt awkward all over again and basically, like a total fob. too american in korea and too korean in america, ah! i am so displaced.

next week is halloween. i am actually panicking about not having a costume idea yet! even though halloween is not exactly my cup of tea, i will still go to goodwill this weekend and have fun trying on smelly clothes anyway.

Q: why was the blonde furious when she got her driver's license?

A: because she got an F in sex.

wow, it's been a while since i've written a good steady stream of entries. i still wish i could write everyday, but you know, things happen. the above joke is what was on the birthday card that my parents gave me. i felt like i couldn't really laugh fully at it when i actually opened it in front of them, but it's pretty funny. that card was pretty much the only funny thing about my birthday, as it was not a very happy birthday at all. there are several reasons why, and i am going to list them because i have not quite gotten over them yet (and also because i simply enjoy torturing myself by dwelling on the past!):

-forgot wallet at school and was not allowed to participate in the obligatory midnight purchase of alcohol... pathetically sulked with my nada colada instead
-my family was not in a celebration mood and all forgot to wish me happy birthday until i reminded them. there was no singing or big display of presents... there was only 1 card and 1 too-large long-sleeved cotton shirt. maybe i still believe myself to be 5 years old and greedy as all heck, but i was a little disappointed.
-saw the worst movie EVER: "man of the year" (what the hell was that?)
-had mid-life crisis the whole weekend with a non-stop series of REOs (random emotional outbreaks)
-started my birthday day at 8am very unwildly and soberly at church

for the first time ever, madison (or rather, campus) seems more like home than home. obviously, my trip to rochester home was a little less than enjoyable. i can pretty much guarantee you 100% that next year's birthday will turn out better, because i doubt it could have gone any worse. in an attempt at optimism, i have decided to be like everyone else and just not remember my 21st birthday at all. however, i do remember last night, my birthday day-after, which was 100x better. i got to see my vassar friend, mandy, who is visiting for her fall break, and have a korea reunion with the other ewha boys, mark and bou. there was much drinking and reminising (best done together), and i really really love those people.

so, my emotions have gone haywire for now and i don't know what to do. i really don't. some days i am so content with being me and making mistakes and relearning, but other days i find myself wanting to collapse in the middle of the sidewalk while walking to class. i always cringe when people say that they "don't understand how people can do that or be that way" when we all manifest Crazy in our own ways. i am excellent for now, but can't help but be very very fearful for the future.

i love all of you who keep me going and inspired.

cha cha cha

in english class we've been watching good movies! i'm pretty sure we're watching them just to have some good writing material, and it is great. one of the films we watched was "28 up" (i think "49 up" just came out in theaters), a british documentary that interviews a fairly diverse group of people every seven years of their lives at ages 7, 14, 21, 28, etc. i think they're creating an american version of this series as well. of course, britian thinks of all the good ideas and then america steals them. overall, it was an entertaining film that presented issues of class and gender in the 60s/70s and it had pretty cute moments with these 7-year-old kids' reactions to questions about marriage and dating and so on. while watching these people grow up and hearing their goals and thoughts along the way, the film pretty much concludes that an individual's personality is fully formed at age 7. it was a little sobering to see all of these little 7-year-olds chatting enthusastically into the camera while explaining their hopes and dreams for the future, like becoming an astronaut or firefighter or president, and then to see them end up in crummy situations. it was obvious that the children were growing up and "facing reality" as the upper class kids who said they would probably go to oxford and get high-up jobs did go to oxford and get high-up jobs as adults- difficult to see the fun in that. this film really made me wonder where i've come since age 7 and if i have lost too many of my idealistic dreams, even though i'm pretty sure i still really really enjoy macaroni and cheese and still really really want to meet shamu at sea world.

my birthday is now in 3 days. my birthday. this date used to produce so much excitment and happiness... visions of pink-frosted cake and shiny wrapping paper and family gathered around singing to you. every once in a while, thinking about the past (conveniently measured in birthdays) makes me a bit queasy, simply because i am reminded of the huge amount of potential that we all had. actually, what makes me more queasy is that all of our potential is now slowly but surely disappearing as we're now assumed to walk the walk, make use of ourselves, and meet expectations. this is juvenile and sophomoric, which i am, but i need to make this list.

what makes me feel grown-up:
*making appointments (specifically haircuts)
*writing checks at stores
*holding keys
*talking to strangers
*riding elevators

this recent winter weather has kind of ruined plans. luckily, today i have to brave the cold for only one class. i should have really spent this last half hour, okay hour, okay 2 hours, studying. whatevs. i will soon be home and get to see pretty much all of my friends, use my free noodles birthday dinner gift certificate, and grab ALL OF MY WINTER CLOTHES + COAT.

under the influence

movies to see:
*fast food nation
*marie antoinette
*hard candy
*jesus camp
*the science of sleep
*friends with money
*tennis anyone?
*a prairie home companion
*half nelson
*24: season 5

i just completed a mediocre mini-paper for my english class on people/places/things that have influenced my life and my values. it was pure torture. as of late, i feel so un-influenced by anything and disgustingly dormant. i love how i always read dormant as doormat. i feel as if i am trying my darnest to be proactive and take-charge about life, but in reality, i am sitting here on my arse without a clue. all i know now is that i'm going to be seeing a whole heck of a lot of movies this weekend (see above list). whew.

today my 30000000-hour lab for sketching & rendering was cancelled, so i had approximately 30000000 hours of free time on my hands. i tired to use the time to relax with yoga, hot chocolate, delicious steaming hot hamburger helper, and a nap, but to no avail. it was so frustrating that i gave up and instead, stared at my computer for a good couple of mind-numbing hours. thank god tonight was TV NIGHT, which is when it is mandatory that i burrow up in my down blanket with popcorn and fresca and the roomies and get all riled up about fabricated earth-shattering events. LOVE IT.

did you know that in two weekends it is my 21st birthday? wow is all i can say. i really haven't given much thought to it, but 21 is a good number.

the hot day

this morning i listened to my new favorite song on repeat the entire waaaay to class (and then some) and it was really great. realization: i am very self-aware when walking across crosswalks. i think it's because it feels to me like a runway of sorts? oh, the sunshine and street sounds and ipod music and flowy skirts and walking determinedly with a destination in mind. the whole crowd of admirers in their cars! yeahyeah, the whole day felt really really busy and i wanted to go to sleep when i got home at 7 o'clock. instead, i made myself a mega-dinner, which included every single carb in the kitchen. and that's never really a good idea.

this afternoon i was supposed to tutor my second session for conversational english at 2 but i thought it was 3 and realized around 2:30. poor hsaio-chi! we eventually got to meet. i tried to buy her ice cream to make up for it, but the only american food she really likes is McDonald's. this time wasn't nearly as difficult as the first time (thank god) when i didn't know what the heck i was doing. hsaio-chi is so cute. she asked me if "fine" is an OK response to the "hi how are you?" question because she said that sometimes people look at her funny when she answers. compared with the average person, she is extremely blunt, which i enjoy and attribute to the culture difference.

so tonight was kind of terrible for 30 minutes. i was trying to find some of my old old old pictures and i discovered that my old school MSN group was automatically deleted due to long-term neglect. ahh! all of my pictures from years 17-19 lost. who knows where they are now? i have now accepted the fact that i might never see any of those snapshot memories ever again, but i suppose, let's face it... they were mostly taken on our bored nights at the perkin's on broadway. the unforgettable (old) perkin's!

alright, this is a less than stellar reflection on a day in the life, but it's semi-late and hot out.

my mighty return to movie-watching this weekend included "v for vendetta" (A) and "hollywoodland" (B-). i managed to enjoy and get creeped out by both. YAYA MOVIES!

in with the new

above: my beloved flip flops that are slowly but surely disintegrating. note the HOLE forming on the left one.

below: my new anthropologie shoes! i ordered them 5 minutes ago as a birthday present to myself, unless i can convince someone to pay me for them as a gift... perhaps i will sucker my mother into it. next hurdle: upgrading the cell phone.

how to save a life

this morning i didn't take a shower just so i could sleep in for an extra 20 minutes. it was one of the best choices that i have made for myself this entire week. it is windy out, my limbs ache, and i think i have a bug in my ear, but even still, i can't help myself from smiling. i think it's because my little academic clubs have started, the ones that actually do things and help people. or maybe it's the tube... tonight's schedule: survivor, grey's, six degrees. all so good. or maybe it's my very sweet roommates who keep me laughing.

this week especially, i feel as if i am grappling with things that most people have already figured out and defeated well before their twenties. insecurities of normalcy and the question of personal achievement still haunt me. on tuesday after an info session, i had a 24-hour obsession with winning a truman scholarship before i graduate. this short-lived life goal pretty much represented my frantic desperation to do something, to not be anonymous, to have a purpose... i felt like i had to conquer the world right then and there. thank god, now i have found my common sense and come to terms with the fact that i will not conquer the world. or at least not anytime soon.

now i am fray-ing out (oh i wish i had snagged tickets to their orpheum concert) and feeling really really in love.

bravo leah

today while walking back from my last class, i uttered the words: "i am kind of bored with life right now" inside of my head. then i realized that it was true, which is pretty darn depressing. i have prided myself on never allowing myself to be bored for the past 20 years. i told myself that i would slap my children if they ever complained of boredom. i do not get bored! so, after some good old-fashioned logical thinking... i realized that i really have no idea what is going on... so i suppose, we'll just watch what happens. wow, i should have my own BRAVO show. even with as much TV love as i have, i definitely do not expect my life to be one big emmy-winning drama with stimulation every second of the day. but really, i am not looking forward to much of anything these days besides maybe season premieres. i know, it's terrible!

maybe this can be remedied by something simple. a good book? an enlightening lecture? a new hobby? a punch in the face? something, anything to bring me back to the world of interesting things!

waking up

i have had 3 spinach salads within the past week, which means that i should be so much more afraid of getting e.coli than i actually am. but who gets e.coli? oh yeah, like a dozen people i know in madison.

reasons to become famous:
academy awards
can attend all major tennis tournaments
free dresses

in the most affectionate words of scott, i have become a media whore. so true. i swear that television did not used to thrill me that much! my family didn't even get cable until i was in high school. oh crazy, cocaine-like television. right now i am most excited about project runway and survivor: cook islands. as project runway is wrapping up, survivor is just beginning! project runway is just flat-out entertaining. the house will make dress cookies for the finale! i still don't know who i want to win. they are all great and OK in their own ways. on the other hand, the asians on survivor are already kicking ass. i never thought this day would come... but i really do love participating (lots) in this reality tv fad. the other day i saw these elementary-age kids entertaining themselves by sliding down their backyard hill on used paper grocery bags. it was so cute. and also, comforting to know that just because i've become a tv-obsessed maniac doesn't mean everyone has.

one relaxing saturday

there are many things in life that i find stressful simply based on the fact that they are meant to be relaxing. i am almost intimidated or pressured by their guarantee to instant relaxation. i am probably crazy, but don't you know what i mean? to name a few: bubble baths, hot chocolate, music playlists, etc. you make a bubble bath only to have it turn cold by the time you get settled in. hot chocolate is just a completely different story because it always ends up at not the right temperature and then when it is the right temperature, i cannot finish it fast enough. music playlists get repetitive and annoying after 10 or so play-throughs. sigh. although, do you know what one thing always makes me feel completely relaxed no matter what? just kidding, i can't really think of anything. i just didn't want this to be entirely whiny.

right now i am re-playing various bits of really old favorite country songs off my semi-screwy itunes. this is relaxing.